I was only four years old when my father died. I don’t remember anything about him yet he’s affected my life probably more than anyone else. Growing up I used to think I was lucky not to have him in my life. You see my dad wasn’t the kind of father a little girl misses. He drank like a fish, smoked like a chimney, and used my mother as his physical and emotional punching bag.

He was jealous to the point of insanity and she often had to run from our home to save her life. Most of the horror stories I heard from her when I was old enough to understand. To a lesser extent he was abusive to his four small children but I’d thought we’d escaped a lifetime of pain due to his unexpected death at twenty-six. He just went to bed one night and never woke up. He had a weak heart which was weakened even more by drinking, smoking, and constant stress.

Growing up my childhood was okay but I found more happiness in books and movies than in real life. In my daydreams I was happy but that didn’t count because it wasn’t real. I existed in this happy medium between make believe and reality for a long time. I guess it was during this time that the writer in me came alive. But as a teenager I slipped into a depression which lasted for almost twenty years. I think dating triggered those long buried fears. I couldn’t trust any man not to hurt me so it became easier to stay home. But I got hurt anyway because my life was stunted by my past.

When I finally found the courage to examine my life I realized how much of it was spent avoiding being happy. Despite what he’d done to us at four years old I loved him, I was his little girl. When he died I concluded that bad things would always happen. When he died it changed my view of the world. I convinced myself that whenever I was happy something bad would happen so it was easier not to strive for happiness.

I thought I’d escaped when he left me when I was so young but I carried that pain with me, in some ways I still do but it doesn’t define my life anymore. It took a long time for me to trust not only myself but the universe to bring me some good as well.

It still amazes me how deeply he affected me in such a short time. Now I speak candidly about the issues of domestic abuse and bad relationships. So many people stay in them because of their children but in more cases they’re doing more harm than good.

I like to think that maybe he would’ve changed. Maybe he would’ve dealt with his demons as I’ve dealt with mine. I’d like to believe that people can change. But don’t make your children wait around for that to happen. Give them the space to work on themselves. A lifetime of saying sorry doesn’t help if the actions do not change. We owe it to our children to give them the best lives possible.

I don’t know what my mother would’ve done had he lived. It’s scary to think about the person I might’ve been today. But a larger part of me believes I would’ve been strong enough to still become the person I am today. I sometimes try to seek redemption for him through my stories. I’ve forgiven him in order to move on with my life and finally be happy and hopeful for all of our children.

Doing it my way

October 23, 2007

It’s every writer’s dream to kiss the 9-to-5 goodbye for a full-time seat in front of the computer in pjs and total bliss. I will make that leap in about two months. I’ll welcome in the new year as the CEO of my own life. While I can appriciate the touch of romance this concept has to it, I am under no delusions as to what becoming a full-time writer will be like.

The idea that I will be responsible for every dollar I make scares the hell out of me.I’ll have to pay my own health insurance, pension fund and a host of other bills my employers helped make happen each month. Now it is just me and I worry about my savings carrying me through until the next paycheck, which in the writing world can take forever. I have enough saved to live the same lifestyle for a year, barring any unforseen emergencies. If something does happen, I’ll find a way to deal with it. While I’m aware of the many obstacles I’ll have to face, I do not dwell on them because I believe strongly in the law of attraction.

There are many reasons people opt to work for someone else and if you love your job it’s great. But for people like me, there are no other options, it’s do or die and working for someone else for the rest of my life would kill me. Not physically but spiritually and emotionally. The bigger risk to me is not taking a chance on myself, but not taking a chance on myself.

I am at the perfect time in my life to do this. I have no one other than myself to think of. I don’t want to wait until I have a family to support or wait twenty years and wonder what the hell happened to my life. At the end of my life I’d rather kick myself for my mistakes than be riddled with regret over the chances I didn’t take. Don’t want to wonder what if when I have no time or means left to find out.

Every time I let the fear set in a little voice reminds me: “If not you, who? If not now, when?”

Celebrity Influence

September 10, 2007

Oprah is supporting Barack Obama for president, which is her right. Some people believe she is wrong to be so outspoken about her political views because she has such an influence on people, she can persuade them to see the world as she does. America, a country which still wants boast about free speech is becoming more censored every day. Case in point, the Dixie Chicks, namely Natalie, speaking out against the war in Iraq. Why do we elevate these people to be more than people with the same rights as the rest of us? Are they not entitled to express themselves like everyone else? If we believe that they can influence our way of thinking then that says more about us than them. We should be able to make up our own minds about who we vote for, if we are for or aganist any cause or action. It is not fair to celebrities to ask them to be anything more than human and it is totally unfair to ourselves to allow anyone to have that much influence over us.

Friends

August 31, 2007

It is better to be alone than in the wrong company.

If you show me who your closest friends are, I will tell you who you are.

If you run with wolves, you will learn how to howl.

But if you associate with eagles, you will learn how to soar.

The simple truth is that you become like those with whom you associate,

for the good and the bad.

Any time you tolerate carnality and mediocrity in others,

it increases your carnality and mediocrity.

An important attribute in successful people is their intolerance of negative thinking and people.

Aquaintances that don’t help you climb will want you to crawl.

Your true friends will stretch your vision but your aquaintances will choke your dreams.

Never receive consul from unproductive, carnal, non-spiritual people.

Those who never succeed themselves are always the first to tell you how not to succeed.

Not everyone has a right to speak into your life.

With some people you spend an evening, with others you invest in the evening.

Be careful where you stop to ask for directions along the raod of life.

Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendships. 

As I think, I am.

August 31, 2007

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O J Simpson’s new book

August 31, 2007

O J Simpson’s new book

August 27th, 2007

 

OJ will be releasing his new book after all, next month. The books will be hitting the stores on September 11th of all days, though they won’t be available to the public until the 13th, I think. I, along with the rest of the world, was spellbound by the Simpson murder trial saga. I still reserve judgement against him especially since people who had way more evidence than I ever could found him not guilty. But publishing a book of how he would’ve killed two innocent people and hurt two families, makes me believe he’s guilty. It seems like he’s now gloating over getting away with murder. I think the book will sell because people will want to know what he has to say. I wonder if he’s at least thinking about his children in all of this. Ron Goldman’s family is writing the forward of the book. I am curious to know what they have to say. I think they want to use this book as a way to convict him and I think it will. If he is innocent and feels any remorse over the loss of his children’s mother, wouldn’t he want to move on with his life? Why bring this up again? Why bring back attention to something that should’ve been such a harrowing experience? Is it just to make money at the expense of other people? He is such a poor human being for ever thinking this is a good idea.